


Stupor Smesh Bras: Mishonh from doG 3: The Ultamint War Agenst Librul Evul: Lauren Ur Still Dum! Im Nota Lesban! PARODY

by PrincessLink



Series: Super Smash Bros.: Mishonh From God [3]
Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: F/M, M/M, My usual weird comedy, Otasune 'cause I'm an idiot, Some bizzare shit happens even for my standards, What even happens in this fic? I forget, i don't even know man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2020-07-19 19:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 11,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19979401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessLink/pseuds/PrincessLink
Summary: It's the beginning of the end (God I hate that phrase)!  Sara comes back to Smash one last time.  Shit's gay (and also FUCKED).





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Stupor Smesh Bras Mishen From doG 3: Teh Ultamint War Agenst Librul Evul. LAUREN UR STIL DUM! IM NOTA LESBAN!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4224663) by [JennyDoombringer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyDoombringer/pseuds/JennyDoombringer), [PrincessAmerica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAmerica/pseuds/PrincessAmerica). 



> 'Tis me. I dunno, I got bored waiting for the bus and decided to start uploading this. Most of this chapter was written a while before the rest of the fic, so the writing might seem a bit different.

One day, Shulk was just minding his own business, watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa, when all of a sudden, he had a vision. He saw a little girl getting shot. He slouched down and covered his face with his hands.  
"What's wrong?" Fiora asked, putting her hand in his shoulder.  
Shulk ran his hands through his hair and said, "I... had a vision."  
"Really? What happened?" she asked worriedly.  
"I..." he didn't want to tell her, but when they got married she'd made him promise not to keep his visions from her anymore, "A little girl got shot."  
"Oh... wow," Fiora said.

Just then, Master Hand's voice came over the loudspeaker, "Shulk and Fiora, please come to the office."  
"Oooooooh, you're in trou-ble," Lucina teased him.  
"Shut up," Shulk said, playfully swatting her leg. She threw a piece of popcorn at him.  
"Can you please stop," Hal groaned.  
"I'm sure you'll figure something out," Fiora said, kissing Shulk's temple, "But right now we have to go."  
"Yeah," Shulk said, and the two walked to Master Hand's office.

"Congrats on your wedding," Master Hand said  
"We...got married... here," Shulk said, "Last time. Three years ago."  
"Not important!" Master Hand said, waving around, "The police have been having trouble catching a thief, so I told them you'd help out."  
"What? Why?" Fiora asked.  
"'Cause I payed for both your weddings, and they nearly bankrupted me," Master Hand said.  
"I highly doubt that," Fiora said coolly, as Shulk played with their daughter, Olivia, "My marriage to Bowser was a sham. It wasn't even legal, and we used Funyuns for rings."  
"You don't get a say in this," Master Hand said.  
Fiora groaned.

"Hey, Lucina, Hal, wanna catch a thief with me and Fiora?" Shulk asked his friends.  
"Sorry, I've got a match in a few minutes," Lucina said.  
"I'd... probably just slow you down. Sorry," Hal said apologetically, "But I could watch Olivia for you. I'm pretty good with kids."  
"He is," Lucina confirmed, "It's kinda weird."  
"It's not weird," Hal protested, "I have a daughter."  
"Yeah, that's the weird part," Lucina said, sticking out her tongue.

Several minutes later, Shulk and Fiora left the mansion, Shulk wearing a full suit of armor. They'd hardly turned the corner before Shulk had to lay down.  
"I'm just gonna... roll the rest... of the... way..." he panted.  
"Where'd you get that anyway?" Fiora asked curiously, crouching down at his side.  
"Trash," Shulk panted. He then tried, and failed, to roll over. He then tried to stand up, which he also couldn't do.  
"Help me please," he said, struggling to hold up his arms to Fiora.  
"No. You did this to yourself," she said, trying to sound annoyed, but actually laughing at her goofball of a husband, "You're such an idiot."  
"Hey!" he pouted, "But seriously, please help. It's kinda hard to breathe in here."  
Fiora took off his helmet.  
"Why don't you just take it off?" she asked.  
Shulk blushed.  
"I-I don't have anything... underneath."  
"Pretty sure that's a really stupid thing to do," she sighed, "Also, since when had that bothered you?"  
Shulk stammered a bit, until Fiora pulled him out and they walked to town.

When they got to Super Smash Bros. Town, Fioa immediately dragged Shulk to Hot Topic to buy some clothes.  
"I'm sorry sir, but you can't come in if you aren't wearing clothes," the doorman/security guard said.  
"I am wearing clothes!" Shulk shouted, featuring to his underwear.  
"Shulk, what size do you wear?" Fiora asked.  
Shulk shrugged. Fiora kissed him on the cheek and then went inside.  
"I LOVE Hot Topic, and I buy all my clothes from there," Shulk heard someone say. He turned and was a girl with icy blue eyes like limpid years and waist length black hair with red streaks and purple tips. She also wore all black. "Hi," Shulk said to her. The girl scoffed, "Go away you stupid fecking preppy bitch!" She walked into Hot Topic followed by a short girl with blue and pink hair, who mouthed, 'Sorry' as she passed Shulk. Several minutes later, Fiora came back, holding a bag. "Fioraaa, a lady was mean to me," Shulk whined. Fiora sighed and gave Shulk the bag. "Hurry up and get dressed," she said. Ten minutes later, Shulk and Fiora walked into the police station, Shulk wearing an oversized Star Wars t-shirt and extremel baggy jeans. "Um, hi... can I help you?" asked the receptionist. "Yeah, Master Hand went us," Fiora said, while Shulk tried to keep his pants up. "Oh! Wait here a minute 'kay," the receptionist said, running off. A young, purple haired woman came in. "Are you... Shulk and Fiora?" she asked. "Yup," Shulk said, "Also, do you have a belt?" "Uh..." the woman stared at him, "Nooo, sorry. Anyway, I'm Officer Karen." Shulk and Fiora followed Officer Karen to an abandoned warehouse. "We tracked the thief here," she explained, "We just need you to catch them." "Okay..." Shulk and Fiora said, before walking in. "It's really dark in- WOAH!" Fiora yelled. "Are you okay? What happened?" Shulk asked anxiously. "I'm fine. It's just a trap," Fiora assured him. "Oh," he said, "At least it's not a box." Just then, the lights turned on. Fiora was hanging from her ankle, trying to cut the rope suspending her. "Yeah!" came a voice from behind some crates. A small girl's head peaked out. "Oh shit!" she shouted, seeing Shulk. She ran in the opposite direction. "Shulk go after her," Fiora said. "Are you gonna be okay?" Shulk asked. Fiora scoffed, "Course I will. I died before, remember." Shulk winced, "Please stop bringing that up. Uh... see you later, I guess." He followed the girl to an empty office. "D-don't come any closer!" the girl shouted, pulling out a knife. Shulk held up his hand. The girl was younger than he'd expected, with mind green hair and red eyes. "We're not gonna hurt you," he said gently, "Wait. Holy shit." "What's wrong?" Asked Fiora, who's joined them without Shulk noticing. "She's... the girl fromy vision," he said sadly. "Are you sure?" Fiora asked. Shulk nodded, "Definitely." "Hold on, what's going on?" the girl demanded. "What's your name?" Shulk asked gently. "...Ona'a. Why?" the girl said reluctantly. "Ona'a," Shulk said carefully, trying not to mispronounce it, "I'm Shulk." He smiled and slowly stepped forward. "Don't come any closer!" Ona'a yelled, clumsily brandishing her knife. "Okay, let's hurry this up," Fiora said impatiently, "My husband can see the future, and he saw you die." "That's ridiculous," Ona'a said flatly. "I know how it sounds, but it's the truth," Shulk said, "And I want to make sure that future doesn't happen." He took another step an held out his hand. "Let me help you," he said gently, smiling. Ona'a tool a tentative step forward, and took Shulk's hand. Shulk, Fiora, and Ona'a leftthe warehouse and rejoinded Officer Karen. "Is that her?" Officer Karen asked, "Holy shit, she's young." "Um, yeah," Shulk said, "Uh, actually, we- well, I was um, wondering if we could, maybe... take her back with us? To the mansion?" "Mmm... well, Master Hand IS the police chief, so I guess that'd be fine," Officer Karen said. "Cool. Awesome. Thank you so much," Shulk said. Shulk, Fiora, and Ona'a returned to the mansion to find Hal explaining to Lucina why he hated Conqueror of Shamballa. "It was your idea to watch it," Lucina pointed out. "It's like when Dave makes me watch The Room," Hal shrugged, "Like, you watch it to make fun of it." Lucina was silent for a bit. "I can see the appeal," she said finally. "Hey guys," Shulk said. "Ryan!" Hal yelled. "What?" "Nevermind." "Who'a that?" Lucina asked, pointing to Ona'a, who hid behind Shulk. "Ona'a," Shulk said, "The thief. Also, why why would Snake make you watch The Room?" "'Cause it's funny," said Snake, who'd joined them without anybody noticing. "Jesus!" Shulk yelped. Samus laughed. "And that was only one time," Snake protested. "It still happened," Hal said. "You said I could pick a movie!" "So," Lucina said, ignoring Hal and Snake's bickering (It wasn't anything serious. They're just like this), "What do we do now?" "Dunno," Shulk shrugged. "I know what we're going to do," I said. "Oh Jesus," Samus rolled her eyes, "What?" "We're going to bring back Sara."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who haven't played Metal Gear, Hal is Otacon. He's part of Shulk and Lucina's friend group because of their mutual love of cats. Also, Hal and Shulk are both demisexual, autistic nerd scientists.


	2. Chapter 1: Newtu Ataks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to a random post I saw in Tumblr, capitalism killed public transportation. Fuck capitalism.
> 
> Everyone's favorite Psychic type Pokemon acts like everyone's favorite psychic. From the amount of hype surrounding Psycho Mantis, I assumed he'd be a late game boss, but he's actually fought pretty early on. Though I did manage to fuck up so badly that I couldn't beat him and had to restart the game.

Chapter 1  
Newtu Ataks 

Sara was hanging out in her apartment. Why did she have an apartment? Well, long story short, her mom realized Sara was a lesbian and left her dad. Sara's still in denial though.

Anyway, yeah Sara was in her apartment. She was bored, so she decided to go for a walk.  
"I'm so sad and oppressed," she said," she said, "I'm a straight, white, Christian girl. Feel bad for me."  
Everyone else have her a wide berth.

Suddenly, a big black and purple ball of energy hit her in the face. She looked to where it came from and saw... Mewtwooooo!  
"Hello," he said in a really bad Russian accent, "You like Smash."  
"Huh?" Sara asked.  
"You've played Wind Waker," Mewtwo continued in Sara's head.  
He'd been kinda obsessed with Psycho Mantis since he'd played Metal Gear Solid. But, since non-Nintendo consoles were banned in the mansion, he'd had to play Twin Snakes, which made actually meeting Snake a liiiitle awkward.

"Satanism!" Sara sreamed.  
Then she paused.  
"Wait..." She said, "How are you in America?"  
"Oh, uh..." Meets said, panicking, "Uh... G-God left because... gay marriage?"  
"Oh," Sara said, accepting the explanation, "Makes sense."  
"Okay, well, now I'm gonna kill you."

"Not so fast!" said a voice.  
Sara turned to see... Lyn and Florina from Fire Emblem!  
"I'm Supreme Karp Jackass Antonio Scabies!" Lyn announced.  
"Who're you?" Sara asked Florina.  
"Oh, um, I'm her- sorry, HIS wife," Florina said quickly.  
"Wait, is he married?" Lyn asked Florina, who shrugged.  
Mewtwo rolled his eyes.  
"You're all idiots," he announced.  
"Anyway, Sara!" Lynsaid dramatically, "If you want to stop gay marriage, you'll have to return to Smash! Don't question "it!"  
"Okay," Sara said cheerfully.  
"No, I'm going to kill you," Mewtwo announced.

Lyn pulled out her sword, Florida pulled out her lance, and Sara pulled out her dad's shitgun. They fought for like five minutes, and things didn't go so well for Mewtwo. He tried to do The Psycho Mantis Thing (TM), but it wad pretty hard to read three diferent people's minds at once, especially when two of her were married.

"This isn't over! Damn you both!" Mewtwo yelled and teleported away.  
"Excuse you!" Florida yelled after him.

Then Lyn and Florida kissed.  
"Anyway," Lyn said after they broke apart, "You have to go save America or... whatever."  
Then she and Florina went on a date.

Sara went back to her house... BUT ALL HER GAMES WERE GONE!  
"Mom!" she yelled, "Where're my games!?"  
"I put them in storage," Sara's mom said, "We don't have enough space for all of them."  
"I hate you Mom!" Sara yelled like an angsty teen (which I guess she was) and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.  
"Sara-" her mom started, but she was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So according to Heroes, Florina's Pegasus is named Huey, which is not a fun name for me. Because of Metal Gear Solid 5, not like, some kinda personal trauma. When Hubert from Three Houses was first revealed, I immediately decided I didn't like him, 'cause I think he's ugly and his name's too close to Huey. And then there's the fact that I occasionally call Huey Hubert the Teddy Bear. And he I joined the Black Eagles, because... two lesbian options, man.


	3. Chapter 2: Riy and Rya and Locust Shoe Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, me uploading two chapters in one day? Unheard of. Literally, I've never done this before. And I probably never will again, so don't get your hopes up. This was a shortchapter, and I had time during class, sooooo...

Chapter 2  
Riy and Rya and Locust Shoe Up

Sara was wandering around again. She noticed a van following her. Whoever was driving was NOT a good driver. They kept veering out of their lane, and there was a lot of yelling from the inside. Sara, worried that the van was full of rappin' lesbians, started to run. This caused the van to speed up, causing even more yelling. Sara ran into an alley and the van crashed into the building next to the entrance.

"Okay, everybody out!" called a voice from inside the van and the doors opened.  
Ryu, Roy, Lucas, the Corrins, and Hal poured out.  
"Jesus Ryu," Hal groaned, "Why did we let you drive?"  
"Snake said you can't drive for shit," Ryu said, sticking out his tongue.  
"Yeah, well, Dave's an asshole," Hal said, rolling his eyes and smiling.  
"Guys, Sara," Corrin-chan, AKA Karin, said.  
"Oh, yeah," Hal said, his eyes widening.  
"Hello," he said cheerfully, waving to Sara.  
Sara waved back, confused.  
"I'm Hal," he said, "I'm Snake's... ah... freind."  
Corrin-kun, AKA Corn, snorted.  
"You, shut it," Karin said, elbowing him.  
"My mom gave all my video games to the feminists," Sara said.  
"What?" Hal asked.  
"Yeah, she's like this," Lucas told him.  
"All the time?" Hal asked, apalled.  
Lucas nodded.  
"Okay, let's go buy Smash," roy announced, which is what they were there for in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna take a nap when I get home, but I also wanna upload a video to YouTube. Follow me on YouTube, by the way. My username's PrincessLink and you can tell it's me 'cause my profile picture's of my chinchilla in a duck costume. I'm doing a dramatic reading of the Metal Gear Solid novelization, it's a fun time.


	4. Chapter 3: Sara Busy Vidao Gume

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably should've mentioned this earlier, but if you see any weird errors, it'd 'cause I'm typing this on my phone.

Chapter 3  
Sara Busy Vidao Gume 

Everyone piled back into the van, only Hal got into the driver's seat this time, while Ryu complained loudly.

Hal drove the busted up van to Target. Everyone for out once again, and split up to find something to do while Sara got Smash. Unfortunately for Sara, her mom was the one who bought all her games, so she didn't know where they were.  
"Somebody help me find the video games so I can stop gay marriage!" she yelled.

All the employees ignored her except one, a Japanese woman with her hair in a ponytail.  
"God, you're such an entitled bitch," she mumbled under her breath.  
"What?" Sara asked.  
"Nevermind," the woman said, brightening up, "Welcome to Target. My name is Melanie, how may I help you?"  
"I need video games," Sara said.  
"You sound like someone," Melanie said, glaring at me.  
"Eff off, Melanie," I told her.  
She rolled her eyes.  
"Follow me," she said, "And Momo, can you please act like a normal person for once in your goddamn life. Stop floating."  
I stuck my tongue out at her, but stopped floating.

Melanie led Sara to the video games and grabbed Smash.  
"This one, right?" she asked Sara.  
"What other one would there be?" Sara asked, confused.  
"Ultimate," I shrugged.  
"Only 'cause you took so long," Melanie said, rolling her eyes.  
I stuck my tongue out again.

She took Sara to the cash register.  
"That'll be sixty dollars," she said.  
Sara pulled out her wallet.  
"I only have three dollars," she pouted.  
Melanie sighed.  
"I'm not technically supposed to do this, but..." she said, snapping her fingers and freezing time.  
She pulled out her credit card and took Sara's three dollars.  
"Ooooh, Melly, you're gonna get in trou-ble!" I traded her.  
"Don't call me Melly," she said, "You don't even KNOW me. Anyway."  
She turned to Sara.  
"Here you go," she said, handing Sara the game.  
"Who're you talking to?" Sara asked.  
"What?" Melanie asked, pointing to me, "Her."  
"Who?"  
"Can you really not see her?" Melanie asked, dumbfounded.  
"Oh yeah, that's 'cause I'm bi," I said, "And she's got no concept of bi people, so she can't see me."  
"Well that makes absolutely no sense," Melanie said, "And it kinda seems like the kinda thing that would've come up earlier."  
Then, she realized tha time was still frozen.  
"Oh," she said, snapping her fingers to unfreeze time.  
"There we go," she said, satisfied, "Thank you for shopping at Target!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I apparently lost my pencil at the bus stop a few days ago, and I just found it today. I'm really weird about my pencils, just FYI.


	5. Chapter 4: Donold Tremp Halps Sara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> David is a liberal. It's canon now. 'Cause I said so.

Chapter 4  
Donold Tremp Halps Sara

Sara was outside the Target holding Smash, but she didn't know how she got it. After some time, everyone else joined her outside.  
"How'd you get out so fast?" Roy asked.  
"Oh, y'know, we ran into a friend," I said.  
"I'm not your friend!" Melanie's voice echoed from inside Target.  
"Nevermind, not a friend, I said, "Anyway, she froze time."  
"Sounds fake, but okay," Hal said.  
"Anyway, how'm I gonna get to Smash?" Sara asked.  
There was a silence.  
"Shit," Ryu said finally, "We hadn't even thought that far."

Just then, a helicopter landed next to them, and out came... Donald Trump!  
"Hello, I'm Donald Trump," said Donald Trump, who was actually just Snake in Reyn's blonde wig (which had seen better days), a stolen MAGA hat (because he hadn't been able to bring himself to buy one), and a way too small tuxedo t-shirt, "I'm super cool and rich and stuff. Uh... make America great again."  
Hal smiled at his boyfriend and Snake laughed.  
"Okay, you," he said, pointing at Hal, "Go away. I can't concentrate."  
Hal pouted, but went to stand in the corner.  
"Okay, what just happened?" Karin asked.  
"I've been banished to the corner!" Hal called cheerfully.

"Anyway," Snake said, doing a terrible Trump impression, "I heard y'all need help. I can help you, 'cause I'm really rich and stuff."  
Hal giggled.  
"Silence!" Snake yelled at him, laughing.  
"Are you really Donald Trump?" Sara asked skeptically.  
"'Course I am," Snake scoffed, "I took Johnny's pogo , kid I pogo greater. We got five-"  
"That's enough," Hal interupted, "Mister Trump, please help us."  
Snake shuddered at being called "Mister Trump".  
"Of course I can," Snake said, "But just to be clear, I expect payment, 'cause I'm Donald Trump and I hate poor people."

So everyone got into the helicopter. They flew to a fancy hotel, which Snake helped them bust into. He discovered that it's pretty hard to sneak around when you're dummy thicc and also dressed as weirdly as he was. He also filled his and Hal's pockets from the complimentary breakfast because he hates rich people. I'm serious, he said it one time... in a fanfic I wrote.

Anyway, Snake got them into a hotel room... somehow. Then he went into the bathroom and stole the little shampoo bottles.  
"Okay, I'm ready," he announced.  
So then I brought them to the Smash Mansion 'cause I got the power. Hal and Snake ran off so Snake could get changed and also to probably make out and maybe eat some of the food Snake stole. Sara saw the Smash Bros. preparing for Lauren and Kairi/Katy's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wig returns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	6. Chapter 5: Returp 2 Manshan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have feelings about Otasune.

Chapter 5  
Returp 2 Manshan

Sara was all the Smash Bros. setting up for Lauren and Kairi/Katy's wedding. Shulk and Lucina was her and groaned. They ran over to her.  
"Go Sara, I can't date you because I joined the..." He looked at his hand, "Fath Miltank from Game of Thrones. I work for the High... Spearow? That doesn't sound right."  
Fiora had been watching Game of Thrones recently. Shulk couldn't get past all the incest.

"Okay, I'll just Sara Roy then," Sara said.  
"You will?" You asked.  
"And I'll share a room with Lucina again," Sara continued.  
"You will?" Lucina groaned.

Snake and Hal joined them.  
"Hi Sara, it's me, Snake, and not Donald Trump," Snake said, "This is Hal, who is not my boyfriend."  
"Why're you holding his hand, then?" Shulk asked teasingly.  
"I'm not," Snake said, staring Shulk in the eyes.  
Shulk turned pale.  
"R-right," he said nervously, "Yeah, of course, that was... dumb of me."  
Then he turned to Lucina and whispered, "Never let me tease Snake again."  
Lucina laughed.  
"Stop being mean," Hal said, nudging Snake.  
Snake responded by pulling a bagel out of Hal's pocket and eating it. Hal rolled his eyes.  
"Let's go to our room, Lucina," Sara said.  
"Not so fast!" Master Hand yelled, "You have to finish setting up!"  
"Okay," Hal said cheerfully, running off with Snake. He was really excited for the wedding.  
I would say that he's a hopeless romantic, but when I brought it up, he yelled at me that he's "Not hopeless, 'cause he's got a super cool boyfriend". But that's not what that means. I think. Honestly, I don't even know what it means. But I'm pretty sure it's not that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shulk's a little bit scared of Dave. Dave knows this, and likes to mess with him. It's all harmless fun.


	7. Chapter 6: Stoopon Tha Weedan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm really sad. So, I'm kinda friends with this guy. Today, I was hanging out with some girls in the bathroom 'cause... I dunno. Anyway, one of them said that this guy raped a girl. I don't know if it's true, but if it is... I don't wanna be friends with a rapist. But if it's not true, I don't wanna lose his friendship, y'know. I feel sick and I don't know what to do.

Chapter 6  
Stoopon tha Weedan

Sara gathered all the "conservative" Smash Bros. to try to come up with a plan to stop the wedding.

"What if we beat up Master Hand?" Lucina suggested.  
"No, then he'd just go to the hospital and use Obamacare to heal himself," Sara said.  
"How do you think Obamacare works?" Snake asked, laughing.  
"This coming from the guy who heals himself by EATING," Lucina pointed out.  
"...Fair point," Snake said.  
"To be fair, that is a pretty common thing," Hal added.

"Anyway, maybe we could go to the Supreme Court," Roy chimed in.  
"No, the Liberal SJWs would stop that," Sara said.  
"Ya girl, Ruth Bader Ginsberg," Hal said cheerfully.  
"Who we do not support at all," Snake added, nudging him.  
"Oh. Yeah. Right," Hal said, "she's uhh, a sluuuuuuuuuu- Socialist."  
"A Slu-Socialist?" Snake asked, amused.  
"I couldn't bring myself to call her, uh... promiscuous," Hal admitted, "It's too mean. And slut-shamey."  
Snake laughed and kissed Hal's forehead.

Then it hit Sara like a ton of pounds.  
"When does Master Hand have his coffee break?" she asked.  
"Does he... have one?" Snake asked, "How would that... work?"  
"Y'know, he pours it into his... self," Hal suggested.  
"Like that thing where you shove alcohol up your ass," I added.  
There was an awkward silence.  
"What the feck, Momo?" Snake said.  
I flipped him off.

"Okay, well, it's time for my coffee break," Master Hand told Lauren and Kairi/Katy.  
"How does that... work?" Lauren asked.  
"You don't wanna know, trust me," said Master Hand's assistant, Mai.  
"I will see you in a bit," Master Hand said, "Mai's in charge for now."  
He floated away.

Snake, Sara, Hal, Shulk, and Lucina walked up to Mai, Lauren, and Kairi/Katy.  
"David," Mai said accusingly.  
She was mad at Snake because he'd misplaced several library books. He was banned from the library until further notice, though he got around that by sending Hal. And Hal only came back with Manga and/or Anime DVDs HALF the time. Snake thought it was a good system. It wasn't.

"Mai, how are you?" Snake asked.  
"Hi Mai!" Hal said cheerfully, waving at her

Then, Sara attacked Lauren and Kairi/ Katy.  
"...That's a hate crime," Mai said, "Right? Is this a hate crime?  
"Yup," Snake sai, "I won't stand for it."  
He sat down, "There we go."  
"Dave," Hal groaned.  
Snake tugged on Hal's hand until he sat down. Hal rested his head on Snake's shoulder, and Snake wrapped his arms around him. Lucina made a gagging noise.  
"You two need to stop this shit if you ever want the author to leave you alone," she said.  
Snake rolled his eyes, then, while maintaining eye contact with Lucina, kissed Hal's temple. Hal blushed and Lucina rolled her eyes.

Sara finished beating up Lauren and Kairi/Katy.  
"Yay I won!" she announced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: Is it weird if I have a crush on Millie Bobby Brown? I'm seventeen and she's fifteen. I dunno man.


	8. Chapter 7: satin is Evul and Mastar Hond is a Jurk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be up yesterday, but long story short, I fucked up. Which is probably for the best, since I was really angry yesterday. Also, that kid I mentioned last time: I've decided I don't want to be friends with him anymore, 'cause I think he's an asshole. I don't even care if it's true or not.

"Not so fast!" said a voice.  
Sara turned to see... Ona'a.  
"I am Stan!" she announced, "You thought you could kill me!? Ha!"  
She started laughing evilly, only to immediately start coughing.  
"Okay, no evil laugh," she said, "Good to know."  
"Why are you here?" Sara asked.  
"Isn't it obvious?" Ona'a asked, "to stop you from stopping gay marriage."

Suddenly God and Jesus showed up. And by God and Jesus, I mean Ginny, AKA Micah from Rune Factory 3, and Popcorn, Twilight Princess Lin and Zelda's daughter. Ona'a grabbed them and woke up.  
"Ono," Sara said.  
Lauren and Kairi/Katy woke up.  
"Onooooo!" Sara yelled.  
"It's all very unfortunate," Hal said cheerfully, "Ooh, is the wedding still on?"  
"Oh my God," Snake said, pressing his forehead to Hal's shoulder. Hal stuck his tongue out. Snake laughed and kissed him.  
"Yes," Lauren sighed, "But... maybe holding it here was a bad idea."  
She glared at me.  
"No, no, no," I said, "That was NOT the point."  
"Oh," Hal said sadly, "That sucks."  
Snake whispered something in his ear and he immediately brightened up.  
"Really?" he asked excitedly.  
Snake smiled and nodded, then pressed his finger to his lips. Hal giggled and flung his arms around Snake's neck. Snake smiled and kissed his temple.

"What's this about the wedding not being held here?" Master Hand's voice asked.  
The group turned around to see him.  
"Sara beat us up," Lauren sighed.  
"What!?" Master Hand yelled, "Sara, you've got detention! I'm going on Rune's show!"  
He floated off angrily. Mai escorted Sara to the detention room.  
"Now we can hold the wedding here, right?" Hal gasped excitedly.  
"Sure," Lauren sighed, "Why not?"  
Hal clapped his hands excitedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hal's really excited to be at a wedding that his boyfriend isn't skipping to try and kill himself.
> 
> Also, no, I don't know what Snake said. Actually, I've got a vague idea, but it's a headcanon I have that would take to long to explain. It might come up in a later fanfic.


	9. Chapter 8: The Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the formatting for the prologue is really fucked up. I tried to fix it but it didn't work. I legit almost started crying. Like, the first half is fine, but the second half is just one big clump. I don't know what happened.

Chapter 8  
The Wedding

They held the wedding while Sara was in detention and therefore unable to interrupt. It was a normal wedding, or as normal as a wedding attended by a bunch of video game characters could be. Honestly, there's not much to say about the ceremony itself. The reception was a different story altogether.

Melia had baked another pie. It was immediately thrown away by Bowser, while Rose, her fiancé, distracted her.

Hal was either really drunk, or just naturally really excitable, or both. Snake was likely the only one who knew, and he refused to say.

Both of Sara's clones were there.  
"Wait, why's there another Sara clone?" Snake asked.  
"Uh..." Lauren said awkwardly, "It's, uh..."  
Shara joined them.  
"Hello Mister Solid Snake," she said, "You're my hero."  
"Why?" Snake asked. Hal nudged him.

Corn got really drunk and started yelling about genes. Corn doesn't even know what genes ARE. Yay, voice actors.

Salla disappeared for about twenty minutes at one point.

Shulk, Lucina, Hal, Snake, and Samus hung out in a corner. Hal was practically vibrating, until Snake allowed himself to be pulled onto the dance floor. He acted annoyed, but anyone with half a brain could tell he was having fun. He was a pretty awful dancer, though.

Samus got really drunk and spent twenty minutes yelling about The Gay Agenda (TM).  
Light (the Xenoblade X PC) was DJing again, and she got really annoyed at Hal for yelling terrible song requests. Most of them were memes.

By the end of the night, everyone was either passed out drunk, or falling asleep on their feet. Hal yawned hugely, swaying on his feet.  
"Okay, here we go," Snake said, picking Hal up.  
"Mmph… love you Dave," Hal mumbled, cuddling closer to Snake.  
"Love you too, ya' dork," Snake said, smiling and kissing Hal's cheek.  
Snake was pretty much the only one not in either of the aforementioned categories.

Link was hanging onto BOTW Zelda like his life depended on it. It didn't, obviously, but his dignity probably did. He was incredibly drunk ("Moderation? I don't know her"- BOTW Link).

No one was getting up early tomorrow. 'Cept maybe Snake. He is That Bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today, I looked up "Does rape count as cheating". By which I mean, if someone's in a relationship and they rape someone else, did the rapist cheat on their partner. Obviously, getting raped isn't cheating. I didn't realize that Google would get the wrong idea until after I looked it up.


	10. Chapter 9: Tha Librul Midea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, I'm on vacation and I have like, no motivation to do anything. It's great.

Chapter 9  
Tha Librul Midea

Sara was in detention. She wanted to stop Master Hand from going on Rune's show, The World According to Rune, which was basically the Smash equivalent to The Colbert Report. Disclaimer: I don't know what that means. Disclaimer over!

Anyway, Salla came into the detention room, still in her clothes from the wedding.  
"Hi Sara," she said.  
"Hi Good Clone Sara," Sara said.  
Salla groaned. He hated it when Sara called her that. Sara never seemed to notice.  
"You gotta pretend to be me," Sara said.  
Salla sat down and Sara climbed out the window.

As soon as Sara got outside, she ran into Master Hand.  
"Sara, how stupid do you think I am?" he asked.  
He'd noticed Salla leaving the wedding, and had slipped out after her. Salla wasn't particularly observant, and Master Hand didn't make any noise floating.

Anyway, Master Hand picked Sara up and flew her back to the detention room.  
"Salla, go back to the wedding," he said.  
Salla grinned and fixed the chopsticks in her hair before leaving.

The next morning, everyone gathered in the cafeteria to watch Master Hand's appearance on Rune's show. There were roughly twenty pots of coffee altogether, and Hal had sent Snake to Dunkin Donuts to get him coconut coffee (which you should always get with cream and sugar. Otherwise, it just tastes like gross old black coffee with a tiny bit of coconut) and donuts.

The show started. Rune walked out to raucous applause. She sat in an armchair and yawned hugely.  
"Sorry, late night," she grinned, "Our first guest is someone I've been begging to come on for AGES... Master Hand!"  
Master Hand floated on to even more applause. He waved to the audience before awkwardly sitting in the chair opposite Rune.  
"So, Master Hand," Rune said cheerfully, "Is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about?"  
"Politics," Master Hand said.  
"Well, that's... not a very common topic here," Rune laughed, "As you guys know, I'm not from this time period, so I'm ABSOLUTELY clueless when it come to current politics."  
Her phone rang. She pulled it out, rolled her eyes, shoved it back into her pocket, and turned directly to the camera.  
"No, Hal, you can NOT come on the show," she said.

Hal pouted. Snake laughed and kissed his temple.

"Callout for Hal Emmerich," Rune continued, "Will not shut up about his boyfriend. I know your boyfriend, Hal. You don't need to tell me about him."  
She paused.  
"For the record, I love Hal," she added, "He's my daughter's friend. Do NOT be mean to him, or his boyfriend'll beat you up. I've seen it happen. Anyway, politics."  
"Uh, yeah," Master Hand said, shifting in his chair.  
"Anything in particular, or..."  
"Actually, yeah," Master Hand said, "Conservatives."  
Rune smiled sympathetically.  
"They're a piece of work, huh," Rune said, leaning back.  
"Not naming any names, but I've been dealing with one for some time, and I've just about had it with her."  
Rune clucked sympathetically.  
"I know what you mean," she said.

They talked about Sara for a little longer, until Rune said to Master Hand, "Well, times up. I will see you in like, an hour."  
Master Hand floated off and Rune introduced her next guest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I low-key wanna write a fic where Hal goes on Rune's show and she just spends the whole time being a mom to him. Despite being younger.


	11. Chapter 10: Returp 2 Brian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depending on stuff, I might upload a chapter or two more today.

Chapter 10  
Returp 2 Brian

After Master Hand's appearance on Rune's show, Sara was escorted back to the Detention Room. After some time, Shulk appeared.  
"Sara, we have to go to England," he said.  
"Why?" Sara asked.  
"Well... you know... reasons..." Shulk said awkwardly.  
Snake shoved him out of the way.  
"Milo Yianalopolis," (I think that's how it's spelled) he said, "Us Conservatives love him. I think I'm gonna puke."  
"So, wait, you can be all gross n' lovey-dovey with Hal, but pretending to be a Conservative for five seconds makes you wanna puke?" Shulk asked.  
"Yes," Snake said coolly, "Got a problem with that?"  
"Uh, no sir," Shulk said quickly.  
"Good," Snake nodded.

They met up with Hal and Lucina outside. They all got in the helicopter from Snake's Brawl Final Smash, whatever it's called. Hal was driving, because he drives a helicopter in Metal Gear Solid 4. Even though in Metal Gear Solid he said he's scared of heights (character developement?).

"Ya' know who sucks?" I asked, "Hal Jordan."  
"Don't know who that is," Snake said.  
"Doesn't matter, he sucks," I said.  
"I feel like you're just trying to make fun of me," Hal called.  
"No, I'm serious," I insisted, "Hal Jordan's a bitch. I mean, we all know John Stewart's the superior Green Lantern."  
"Why?" Snake asked, annoyed.  
"'Cause John Stewert was in that Justice League cartoon from like, 2003. That show was my childhood, okay. AND he was voiced by Phil LaMarr."  
"O...kay," Snake said.  
"PHIL LAMARR," I repeated.  
"Nobody knows who that is," Lucina said.  
I groaned.  
"Where did I go wrong..." I sang.

They got off the helicopter in England and ran into... Harry Potter!  
"Hello," he said pleasantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently learned that Hal Jordan was actually voiced by Cam Clarke in some stuff. Also apparently Cam Clarke voiced He Man and Thor in the first Ultimate Alliance.


	12. Chapter 11: Battal With Hairy Pooter

Chapter 11  
Battal With Hairy Pooter

Harry was wearing a cheap plastic crown.  
"He's the king!" Sara yelled.  
"No, I'm the queen!" Harry yelled, because wizards didn't put much stock in things like gender roles, or erasers.  
"Even worse!" Sara screamed.  
"Oh, the horror," Snake said, rolling his eyes, "A queen who is a man."  
Then, a whole bunch of wizards showed up. They all got into a big fight, except Hal, who's fighting skills were about as good as my chinchilla's. Actually, if Hal and Miki got into a fight, Miki's win (Miki's my chinchilla).

Anyway, they beat up all the wizards except Harry.  
"Oh nooo," he said.  
Then he climbed into a Mass-Produced Face Mechon and chased after Our Heroes. And I just realized that's basically the ending of Snake's Revenge (He's a Lost Soul Bent on Revenge. Heehee).

So Harry chased them all through London. They ran by a tea... cafe... place, and Snake and Hal ducked inside. Mostly because Hal was so out of shape that Snake had to carry him almost the whole way.

Eventually, they stopped running and started to fight Harry. Well, Sara and Lucina did. They'd lost Shulk at some point.

They blew up Harry's Face Mechon and took his crappy plastic crown. Then they went to get Shulk. They found him curled up in a ball, crying. Shulk's Autistic, okay. You wanna know my source? Me. I said so. Eff you.

Then they went to collect Hal and Snake from the tea place. When Hal saw Sulk crying, he also started crying. Snake rolled his eyes and pulled Hal into a hug. Lucina hugged Shulk.

Once everyone was done crying, they went to Milo Yianalopolus's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I have a scar on my thumb from my chinchilla biting me. Also, if you even THINK about making a joke about Autism, I'll kill you.


	13. Chapter 12: Visatan Malos Casol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, sorry I haven't updated recently. School started and I haven't had much time or motivation to type this. Fun fact about me: I actually hate typing. Or, at least I hate typing stuff that I've written, which is how I write most of my fanfics.
> 
> Also, there's a guy fixing our fridge, so I can't get into the kitchen to get coffee, so I have a headache. I'm also babysitting my aunt's dog, and I love her. She's got really big ears.

Chapter 12  
Visatan Malos Casol

They wandered around until they found Milo Yianolopolous's house. He had two gards outside.  
"None of you are gay, are you?" one of the gards asked.  
"Nope," Snake said.  
Hal gave him a dirty look.  
"It's true," he said defensively.  
"Technically," Hal groaned.  
Snake fingergunned. What, he fingerguns... in Twin Snakes. Eff you, Twin Snakes is great. It's HILARIOUS. 'Specially the Otacon ending (AKA the good ending... not that Meryl dying is good or anything. Seriously). Hal just kinda falls in like, ninety percent of the cutscenes he he appears in, it's great.

Snake glared at me.  
"Momo," he said.  
"Hm?" I asked.  
"Shut up."  
"Aye aye, Captain Rainbow," I said cheerfully.  
Snake groaned.  
"Isn't that... at video game?" Hal asked.  
Snake nudged him.  
"Mayhap," I said, grinning.  
"Is that a word?" Hal asked.

"Hey! You guys!" Lucina yelled, "C'mon!"  
Shulk and Sara had already followed the gard inside.  
"Shit," Snake mumbled, and hurried after Lucina, pulling Hal behind him.

"Hello," said Milo Yianolopolous said, "Are any of you gay?"  
"Nope," Snake said.  
"You're holding hand's with that guy," Milo Yianolopolous pointed out.  
"Am I?" Snake asked coolly, glaring at Milo Yianolopolous.  
"Uh... right..." Milo said. I'm just calling him Milo from now on, 'cause his surname's too long and also I don't know how to spell it.  
"Would you like some tea?" he asked.  
"Yeah!" Hal said excitedly.  
Snake stared at him.  
"You just had tea," he said.  
Hal was silent for a bit.  
"Shut up," he said finally, poking Snake's cheek.  
Snake laughed, and Milo handed Hal a cup of tea.  
"So, what can I help ya'll with?" Milo asked (yes, I know that British people don't typically say ya'll, 'cause someone on Tumblr got mad at Neil Gaiman for saying so. I don't give a damn).  
"You can be king now," Sara said, handing Milo Harry's plastic crown.  
"Oh boy," Milo said, "I can't wait to bomb some Muslims!"  
Hal looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he sipped his tea. He made a face and Snake stared at him.  
"'S hot," he said sadly, "I burned my tongue."  
Snake started laughing and pulled Hal into a hug.  
"Stoooop," Hal protested, "I could'a spilled my tea."  
Snake plucked Hal's tea out of his hands and placed it on a table, before hugging him tighter.  
"Daaaave," Hal complained, but he laughed and buried his face in Snake's neck.

"Ooookay," Milo said, staring at them, "Ooookay. Oookay. What- at all?"  
"What?" Shulk laughed.  
"Why're you here?" Milo asked.  
"We want you to write an article about Master Hand and Lauren," Sara said.  
"Who's Lauren?" Milo asked.  
"Lauren Travers," Sara explained, "She's a lesbian."  
"A lesbian!" Milo ejaculated, "Bollocks! I'll get started right away!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hal likes tea. I mentioned on Youtube that I hardcore identify with Hal, and I have a whole lot of headcanons that're just me projecting. This is one of them. Also, I might've mentioned on Youtube that I really love Twin Snakes.


	14. Chapter 13: Teh Storey Abot Mister Hanes and Lauren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I know I haven't updated in a while. It's just... school, y'know. My parents are making me go to church today, even though they're gonna get mad at me for not saying the prayers. Also I got a job! I'm gonna be working at a daycare after school.

Chapter 13  
Teh Storey Abot Mister Hanes and Lauren

Master Hand yelled at Sara for the article. Milo had published Lauren and Kairi/Katy' adress, which was... yeah.

Meanwhile, Hal and Snake were bickering. I dunno what they're bickering about, it's not important.  
"Doesn't it get stressful? Your dads arguing all the time?" Shulk asked Sunny, who's also here now. Eff you.  
"Arguing?" Sunny asked.  
"Yeah," Shulk said, gesturing to Hal and Snake.  
"I don't see why we need a cat," Snake said.  
"'Cause they're cuuuuuuute," Hal said, pouting.  
Snake rolled his eyes.  
"Nah," Sunny said, "They do this all the time. Eventually, Papa's gonna give up and they'll get a cat. And also probably a dog at some point. Or several."  
"Huh," Shulk said.  
"Yo!" Samus yelled, "Shut up, you two!"  
Hal and Snake ignored her, and continued bickering.  
"Oh my God," she said, rolling her eyes, "It's not important."

They watched Master Hand yeet Sara into space.  
"Huh," Snake said, and immediately went back to bickering with Hal.


	15. Chapter 14: Rescu in Otter Spas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything makes perfect sense.

Chapter 14  
Rescu in Otter Spas

Sara was in Space. Please don't question it. Suddenly, the Comet Observatory from Super Mario Galaxy appeared (I still haven't finished that game, by the way).  
"Hi Sara," Rosalina sighed.  
Sara climbed onto the Comet Observatory. Hal was sitting in a corner, cracking up.  
"Sunny," Snake said solemnly, "I think your dad's officially lost it."  
"Shut up Dave!" Hal yelled, still laughing.  
"Yeah, I'm not gonna ask," Sunny decided.  
"That's probably for the best," Snake agreed.  
Daaaaave," Hal groaned, still laughing.

Anyway, the Power Rangers-  
"Don't call us that!" Snake yelled at me.  
"But you're in Spaaaaaace," I said.  
"Oh my God," Snake groaned, "Shut up."  
"We should-" I giggled, "We should- zoom all the way to the Moon- from this great wide wacky world."  
Snake stared at me blankly.  
"What?"  
"I wish there were otters," I giggled.  
"It's time to stop," Snake said.  
I pouted.

Anyway!  
They went to Austria. Or Australia. I'm not... totally... sure. Wherever they went, they went to Outback Steakhouse. I'm sure they have 'em in Austria. And I mean... OUTBACK Steakhouse. Anyway, they went to talk to the guy who owns Fox News. No idea what his name is. I feel like they might be in Australia, it's very Conservative.

Anyway!  
They went to the Outback Steakhouse and got the guy who owns Fox News to help them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speaking of Mario Galaxy, when Odessey (ya' see) was first announced, I thought it was Galaxy 3, 'cause there were rumors about it. 'Cause, y'know... Space Odessey.


	16. Chapter 15: Teh Battal at Fux Nose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm really sad. Sometimes I just get really depressed on the weekends 'cause I don't feel like I've done enough. Also, there's still no English release date for Rune Factory 4 Special even though it came out in Japan like two months ago. And there's still no info on Rune Factory 5.

Chapter 15  
Teh Battal at Fux Nose

They went to Fox News headquarters. Sara opened the door and saw... Alex Jones! And he was tied up! Does Alex Jones even work for Fox News? Who cares, he does now. Feck you.  
"Time to put chemicals into the water to turn the friggin' frogs gay," Snake said sarcastically.  
Hal giggled. Lucina stared at him.  
"Who did this?" Sara asked.  
"I did," said a woman doing a horrendous imitation of a Mexican accent.  
Sara turned and saw... Mei Ling! But... Sara didn't know who she was. But it was Mei Ling, okay. That's what's important. She was wearing a sombrero and a Mexican flag t-shirt.  
"Who are you?" Sara asked.  
"I'm Megan Kelly," Mei Ling said.  
She was very proud of herself for single-handedly subduing Alex Jones, even though he's a Conservative, and therefor, sucks.  
"Why're you dressed like that?" Sara asked her.  
"'Cause I'm Mexican," Mei Ling said casually.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. Ni hen jian," Mei Ling said cheerfully.  
"Ono!" Sara yelled, "You can speak Spanish!"  
"Yup," Mei Ling said, "Definitely Spanish. I'm also a lesbian, and I go to a... lesbian school... called, uh... Logwarts."  
"Onooooo!" Sara said.

"Hi, it's me, Donald Trump," said, Snake, who'd slipped away and changed into his Trump disguise, "I'm super rich."  
"Trump, the Rich... Man," Hal added helpfully.  
"Yes, thank you, person I've never met," Snake said.  
"You're welcome, Mr. Trump," Hal said, beaming.  
"Please stop calling me that," Snake whispered.  
"Hi Lao Sh- Trump," Mei Ling said, waving.  
"You're fired," Snake said.  
"Ooh, I just caught a Mudkip," Mei Ling announced, holding up her phone.  
"Really?" Hal asked excitedly, going over to her (Hal and Mei Ling are friends, okay? They talk about nerd stuff together, like Pokemon, and fanfic, and hating Cassandra Clare).

Snake rolled his eyes.  
"Mei M-Megan Kelly, I'm here to fight you," he said, "I'm a ... Super... Seeyan?"  
"Close enough," Hal called.  
"Have you ever wondered why my hair's blonde even though I'm Mexican?" Mei Ling asked, "I'm also a Super Saiyan!"  
They aren't even called Super Saiyans, are they?

"Your hair's not even blonde, though," Hal pointed out.  
Mei Ling shushed him. Then, she and Snake started screaming at each other (Hal had made Snake watch a single episode of Dragon Ball. Snake was thoroughly confused, and thought all the characters had SEVERE anger issues) until they both started coughing.

Well, actually, Snake started coughing first, 'cause a' all those years a' smokin'. Then, Snake gently nudged Mei Ling. She threw her hands in the air and started spinning.  
"Looks like I'm blasting off again!" she shouted.  
"To Mexico," Hal added.  
"To Mexico!" Mei Ling yelled.  
She spun out the door.

It was with heavy hearts that Our Heroes released Alex Jones. Then they went outside and saw... Brock and Lauren and Kairi/Katy and a bunch of other Liberals! And they were holding Freezies! The Liberals through the Freezies at Our Heroes, and they froze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mei Ling calls Snake Lao Shi, which means "teacher", but it's also kind of a pun on lao she, which means "old snake". Snake's nickname for her is Mei Mei, which means younger sister.


	17. Chapter 16: Teh Footurd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Broke: Sunny is Hal and Dave's child  
> Woke: Sunny AND Raiden are Hal and Dave's kids. Even though apparently Raiden's like, Hal's age. I thought he was supposed to be like, twenty in Metal Gear Solid 2.

Chapter 16  
Teh Footurd

Sara got unfrozen like, five minutes later. Freezies... really don't last that long, y'know. Least not in Smash.  
Tiki walked up to her  
"Hi, it's a thousand years in the future. Wanna have lesbian sex?" she asked.  
"No person!" Sara ejaculated (Heehee).  
"Whaaaat? But everyone's a lesbian now," Tiki giggled.  
"Onoo!" Sara yelled.  
She ran over and unfroze everyone else.  
"I's the future and everyone's a lesbian now," she said.  
"Oh, the horror," Snake said sarcastically.  
"Whatever is a video game video maker to dooo?" Sunny added cheerfully, "Oh woe is me."  
Snake stared at her.  
"Anyway," he said, "We're gonna talk to my friend."  
"What friend?" Hal asked.  
"Can he help?" Sara asked.  
"Of course he can," Snake said.  
"Seriously, Dave," Hal said, "You have like, two friends. Who're we gonna talk to?"   
Snake groaned.  
"Raiden," he whispered.  
"Ohh," Hal said, "Dave, that's our son."  
"Uhh... since when?" Snake asked.  
"Since like, forever," Hal said.  
"I wasn't consulted about that."  
"You were literally in the room when we decided."  
"I don't remember that," Snake frowned.  
Hal rolled his eyes.  
"Anyway, let's go to Russia to see Putin!" Snake announced.

So they all got into the helicopter and flew to Raiden's house. They barged in. Raiden was watching Superman Returns and wearing a trans pride t-shirt (Raiden's trans, guys. My source is, as usual, me. How'd he get Rosemary pregnant? The nice thing about Metal Gear is that a trans man getting someone pregnant is easily the LEAST bizarre thing to happen. Trust me).  
"Hi Grandpas," said Raiden's son, who's name is I'm pretty sure Little John (Another great thing about Metal Gear: there are so many characters who's names are some variant of John. Big Boss, Raiden, Little John... both Johnny Sasakis (though for the record, here Johnny's a girl named Janey, 'cause I'm bitter Meryl didn't end up being a butch lesbian)).  
"Hi Dads!" Raiden said excitedly, "Hi Sunny!"  
"Hi Raiden," Sunny said, giving him a hug, "Heya nephew."  
She booped Little John.  
"Aunt Sunny," he complained.  
Sunny giggled.

Snake cleared his throat loudly.  
"Hello Putin," he said, "It's me, Donald Trump."  
"Who?" Raiden asked.  
"Seriously?" Sunny laughed.  
"Yeah," Raiden said defensively, "I don't know who those dudes are."  
Raiden's a dumbass, but we love him. Please don't ask me who "we" are. I don't know. Or I guess... just Metal Gear fans. At least the one's who DON'T hate Raiden.

"Anyway," Raiden said, reading from the notes Hal had texted him, "You need to go Japan to get a time machine. Why?"  
"Raiden, you lack basic reading comprehension," Hal said gently, "I don't think you'd understand."  
Raiden pouted and Little John laughed.  
"You know, if I wanna hear a story before bed, I have to read to HIM," Little John said.  
"Shut it," Raiden sighed.  
"Wow, you really are a dumbass," Sunny laughed.  
"Sunny!" Hal scolded her, "That was mean. Also, language."  
Sunny laughed, "Sorry."  
"I'm gonna stay here with Putin to figure out a plan," Snake said, "On an unrelated note, I have to use the bathroom."  
"It's over there," Raiden said, gesturing aimlessly. I'm not sure he even knows where it is. But to be fair, he IS a cyborg, so who knows if he even needs to use it. We want answers, Kojima.  
Snake sighed and walked off. A minutes later he came back. He's very good at getting undressed quickly. And that came out pretty suggestive, but oh well.  
"Hello Putin, who I've never met and is also not my son that I just found out about," he said.  
"Hello, person I've never met and is also not my dad," Raiden said cheerfully.  
So then they went back to the helicopter to go to Japan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone hates that Meryl ended up with Johnny, but my only problem with it is that Meryl should've been a lesbian. I mean, have you SEEN her arms in Metal Gear Solid 4? She's fuckin' jacked.


	18. Chapter 17: Teh Japeness Lesbans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got Pokemon Shield and it's good, okay. All the negativity's really bummin' me out.

Chapter 17  
Teh Japeness Lesbans

When they got to Japan, they were immediately attacked. By lesbians, in case you were wondering. Though, I dunno how Sara knows that.

Anyway, they the lesbians until their leader yelled, "That's enough!"  
The crowd of lesbians parted to let her through. She was short and had glasses and a big nose and-  
"Oh my God, not you too!" Melanie interupted, rolling her eyes, "First of all, you're shorter then me."  
"You're older, though," I said, sticking out my tongue.  
"That's irrelevent," Melanie continued, "And yes, I have a big nose. So what? I got it from my Italian mother."  
"I'm Italian and I don't have a big nose," I said.  
"Momo, you're super Irish," Melanie pointed out, "Probably more Irish than's good for you, Miss 'I Hate Sunblock'."  
"I hate it for the same reason I hate lotion," I protested, "I don't like it when my hands're all greasy."  
"Then wash it off," Melanie groaned. Then she turned to Sara and said, "You're gonna have to do some self-reflection soon. Do you know what that means?"  
"I doubt she does," I mumbled.  
"That's what my mom says," Sara said, "And she wants me to be a lesbian. So that means... you want me to be a lesbian!"  
"Nice logic," I mumbled.  
Melanie glared at me.  
"That's not necessarily true," she sighed, "What I want is for- oh, never mind. Here's the time machine."  
She handed Sara a time machine.  
"Please don't break it," she said, "Oh, and Momo. Nice touch, adding Raiden. 'Cause a' the..."  
She winked.  
"'Cause a'... yeah, t'be honest, I completely forgot 'bout that 'till afterward," I confessed.  
Melanie rolled her eyes and then sent everyone back to Raiden's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very proud of myself for including Raiden, 'cause of a joke later on. Leave me alone, okay.


	19. Chapter 18: Goon Bach in Tim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I mark this as Raiden/Rosemary? 'Cause like, she doesn't actually appear in this, but it's implied. I know everyone hates it, but I actually don't mind it. But then again, I haven't actually played Metal Gear Solid 2 yet.

Chapter 18  
Goon Bach in Tim

Our Heroes were back at Raiden's house. Raiden was waiting for them outside.  
"Obama's gonna go back in time to stop Jesus from being born!" he said, once again reading from a text from Hal, "Wait, who's Obama? And Jesus? I'm so confused."  
Hal hugged him.  
"It's okay Buddy," he said, sounding on the verge of tears, "It's not your fault you never got a decent education."  
"What?" Raiden asked, staring at Snake.  
Snake rolled his eyes and pulled Hal off Raiden.  
"Hal, calm down," he said gently.  
"Daaaave," Hal sobbed, "I'm gonna fight your brother."  
"Well... you're a little late for that," Snake said, smiling.  
"I'm serious!"  
"I know you are," Snake said, and kissed his forehead.  
"Where's Trump?" Sara asked.  
"Oh... uh... he went... home," Raiden said awkwardly, "Uh, stomach issues."  
He tried to wink at Snake and gave him a thumbs up. Snake rolled his eyes.  
"Idiot," he muttered.  
"Janey Sasaki level," Raiden added.  
"Stop being mean to her!" Hal sobbed.  
"Right, right," Raiden said quickly, "I forgot, people make fun of you too."  
"Who?" Snake demanded.  
"Uh, not me, obviously, I'd never- he's my dad- but I mean, Solidus was my dad too, I guess, and I make fun of him all the time," Raiden said quickly, "Right LIttle John?"  
"Sure," said Little John, who had no idea what he was being asked.  
"Raiden," Snake groaned, "Calm down. Who's making fun of Hal?"  
"The internet," Raiden blurted out, "People're really mean on the internet. Why can't they just be like- like Prince? An angel with a little afro."  
"Do you even know who that is?" Snake deadpanned.

Sara had zoned out when Hal started crying.  
"We gotta go back in Tim!" she yelled.  
Snake snorted, "That's what she said."  
"Dave," Hal scolded him, "That's gross. And there's children."  
He gestured to Sunny, Little John and Raiden (completely unrelated sidenote, but that "There's only one thing worse then a rapist." "A child" vine is literally Huey. It's okay to make fun of Huey, 'cause he's a lesbian-murdering piece of shit, but if you're mean to Hal, I will find you, and I will kill you).  
"Just hang out inside 'till your mom gets back 'kay," Raiden told Little John.  
"Mom's gonna yell at you again," Little John said.  
"No she's not," Raiden said defensively, "I'm with my dads."  
They got into the time machine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose definitely yelled at him.


	20. Chapter 19: Travolen 2 Amerkya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got around to updating this! Don't ask when the next update'll be. I don't know.

Chapter 19  
Travolen 2 Amerkya

Ignore the title, they're in the Middle East. If you claim Jesus was white, I'll kill ya'. They were wandering around the Middle East. Speaking of the Middle East, I only recently learned that the Gulf War was not fought in the Gulf of Mexico. But in my defense, I wasn't alive for it.

Anyway, they were wandering around when suddenly, before anyone could've ever even expected it, a T-Rex came. And that was bad. Heehee.  
"Oh nooooo!" Sara yelled, "We went back in time so now there's dinosaurs!"   
"What?" Snake asked.  
"Please don't question it," I sighed.  
Raiden pulled out his sword and started fighting the T-Rex while Hal sang Rules of Nature really badly, and for unrelated reasons (he knows it 'cause of the memes, guys). He just really likes the sone, okay. Snake stared at him, confused.

Anyway, Raiden killed the T-Rex and they got to... wherever Jesus was born. Where was he born again? Brock was already there, talking to Mary.  
"You should become a Muslim Atheist," he said.  
"Those words don't go together," Snake noted.  
Hal laughed.  
"He's gonna make her get an abortion!" Sara yelled.  
"Well that's a terrible idea," Snake said, "Considering that until pretty recently, abortions were highly dangerous. It'd be more likely to kill her then the baby. Well, the baby'd... also be dead. Thirty-three years early."  
Shulk and Lucina stared at him.  
"What? I've read the Bible," he said defensively, "Just 'cause I'm an Atheist doesn't mean I hate religion!"  
"I don't see what the big deal is," said Hal, who had been raised Jewish (and also was Jewish. Like, ethnically. He's just not religious. There's probably a better way to say this but whatever), "He's just some guy who's death started a religion that's supposed to be all about loving people, but instead it's just full of racists and homophobes."  
"God I love you," Snake said.  
Hal beamed.  
"Also, Jesus was Jewish," Snake added, "He didn't even found Christianity, his followers did."  
"I agree," Raiden said, "Uh, about... this not loving... thing... not my dad."  
Snake rolled his eyes and walked up to Mary.  
"Your religion doesn't matter," he said.  
"You could even be that religion where they chop a bunch of people's heads off," Sunny added cheerfully.  
Snake stared at her.  
"What?" he said.  
Then he turned back to Mary.  
"Don't get an abortion or you'll die," he said bluntly, "That's not a threat, by the way. Just a fact."  
"O... kay?" Mary said, bewildered.  
Hal smiled at Snake.  
"Don't," Snake groaned.  
So they all got back into the time machine and Brock sent them to World War 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was raised Christian, okay. I'm allowed to make fun of it.


	21. Chapter 20: Wrold War 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got two weeks off school 'cause of Coronavirus. I have no excuse not to do this.

Chapter 20  
Wrold War 2

Our Heroes appeared on a boat on D-Day. A young woman was in the process of calmly cutting herself open while all the other soldiers freaked out.  
"What's happening?" Snake asked.  
"The Joy is giving birth!" yelled one soldier, who looked a lot like Sara.  
"Great Grandpa Matthews?" Sara asked.  
"HOW would I know that?" Great Grandpa Matthews asked.  
The woman who was giving birth pulled out the baby and handed him to Snake.  
"Hold him for a bit," she said calmly, "I need to sew myself up."  
"D-do you need help?" Hal asked nervously.  
The woman shook her head. "Nah, I got this. I'm The Joy, by the way."  
"It's nice to meet you, Miss The Joy," Hal said cheerfully.  
"Yo, Dave," I whispered, "Guess who that baby grows up to be."  
"Guess what," Snake groaned, "I don't caaare."  
"Ocelot," I said, "You COULD solve all your problems right now."  
Snake stared at me.  
"Are you seriously suggesting I MURDER a NEWBORN BABY?" he asked.  
I shrugged. "Just sayin'."  
Baby Ocelot squirmed around in Snake's arms. The Joy finished sewing herself up. She stood and grabbed Baby Ocelot. Just then, Good Old Dwight D Eisenhower showed up, and now that I think about it, was he even INVOLVED in D-Day?  
"Let's go!" he said when they landed.  
"Yo! Great Grandpa Matthews!" The Joy yelled, thrusting Baby Ocelot into his arms. Baby Ocelot started crying.  
"I'll be right back, Sweetheart, The Joy said.  
She hopped off the boat. Everyone else (except Great Grandpa Matthews) followed her. The started fighting the German (right?) soldiers, except Hal, who'd realized he probably should've stayed back to watch Baby Ocelot instead. He just kinda hung out near Snake. Snake handed him a gun from a fallen soldier. Hal screamed and threw the gun. It hit one of the soldiers and knocked him out.  
"Dave!" Hal said enthusiastically, "I helped!"  
"You did," Snake said, smiling.

Eventually, the final boss of D-Day appeared... some random German general!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody: D-Day  
> Me, dummy: Ocelot's birthday


	22. Chapter 21: Teh Fit Agents Hitler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day? What?

Chapter 21  
Teh Fit Agents Hitler

Once again, ignore the title. They're fighting some random German general named... Fritz... Schumacker. That's a German name, right?

"Mwahahaha! I'll kill all the Jews!" yelled Fritz, a devoted Nazi, and thus, a bitch.  
"Bitch!" Snake yelled, shooting him. It's not very effective... "Cause he's the final boss of D-Day. He's like Walhart or Gangrel, y'know.  
"And all the gays, G*psies, lesbians-"  
"Shouldn't gays and lesbians go together?" Hal asked.  
He then made a really big show of kissing Snake.  
"Disgusting!" Fritz yelled, and shot Snake, but he was really high level, so it only did like, 3 damage.  
Also, yes the Nazis really did persecute gays, and Romani, and people other then just the Jewish. I'm gonna fight you.

Anyway,The Joy CQCed Fritz and got a bunch of crits and then he died. The Joy got a bunch of EXP so she could promote (to The Boss, obviously) as soon as she found a Master Seal.

Then they all went back to the boat. Great Grandpa Matthews and Baby Ocelot were gone.  
"Well, shit," The Joy said, "I really hope Great Grandpa Matthews just went somewhere safer and didn't kidnap my son so some secret society could blackmail me for the next twenty years or so."  
Hal laughed nervously.  
"I hope you find your son, Miss The Joy," he said, "And he doesn't become obsessed with spinning guns and cowboys and cats."  
"That's enough," Snake whispered.  
The Joy stared at Hal.  
"That's... oddly specific," she said, "What-"  
"Time to go," Snake announced, pulling Hal into the time machine.  
Everyone else followed them, and they went back to the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a major pet peeve of mine when people act like the Holocaust was only bad for Jewish people, and not everyone.


	23. Chapter 22: Peparen 4 teh Finale Battol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyy, Animal Crossing!

Chapter 22  
Preparan 4 teh Finale Battol

Our Heroes reappeared at the mansion. All the "Christian" Smash Bros. were outside waiting for them.  
"Where are the Libruls?" Sara asked.  
"They went to Seattle to rap for Haley," Palutena explained.  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sara demanded.  
"How were we supposed to contact you?" Marth questioned.  
"You just should've!" Sara screamed.  
"Nice," Snake said.  
Hal laughed.  
"Is Sara back?" Master Hand yelled from inside, "I really expected her to die from the lack of oxygen in space."  
"Wait, I meant to play in the sprinklers!" Rune yelled, "We gotta go!"  
Lucina sighed, "Mother, WHY are you so weird?"

They went to the Super Smash Bros. Town airport and flew to Seattle. They stopped bye to pick up Sara's friends, Ashley and Olivia. Then they went to Haley's house.  
"Sorry, Haley left half an hour ago with some friends," Haley's mom said, "There was this one blonde girl with BIG lesbian energy."  
"Yeah, that's Samus." Snake nodded. "The biggest lesbian."  
"What's the big deal?" Ashley asked.  
"Oh noooo!" Sara yelled.  
Hal jumped and Snake laughed at him.  
"Stoooop," Hal said, pouting.  
Sunny and Raiden stared at them.  
"You two are weirdos," Sunny said.  
Hal stuck his tongue out at her.  
"Wow, real, mature Dad," she said, rolling her eyes.

Sara ran off to a big open field. Samus was already there, along with Lauren and Kairi/Katy and all the other "villains" 'cause I can't remember all of them.  
"You're just in time!" Samus said dramatically.  
"Where's Haley?" Sara demanded.  
Samus stepped forward, revealing Haley, Ginny, and Popcorn loosely tied with ropes.  
"Ley Haley go!" Sara said.  
And the Dark Lord said, "No."  
"Samus, that's enough," Lauren sighed, "I wanna fight Sara one-on-one."  
"Aw, "Samus pouted. She'd really enjoyed hammin' it up.  
Lauren pulled out a sword.  
"Sara," she said, "This is it. Our final battle."  
The other Smash Bros. finally caught up.  
"Sara!" called Ginny, holding up a sword," Catch!"  
He threw the sword. It was a terrible throw, and probably should've killed Sara, but instead it floated gently into her hand.  
"Cheater," I said.  
"Thanks, God," Sara said.  
She was ready to fight Lauren.


	24. Chapter 23: Im Reely Scarred

Chapter 23  
Im Reely Scarred

Once again, the title's totally irrelevant. Sara and Lauren were fighting. Meanwhile, everyone else was screwing around. Snake and Samus were hanging out under a tree with Hal and Sunny, who were murdering Raiden in Smash (Smash-ception). Shulk, Lucina, and Fiora were watching Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, because Hal had threatened to end their friendship if they didn't. Shara and Salla were having a bizzare conversation involving Pokemon, Fire Emblem, Kirby, Castlevania, and cheese. Rune, Chrom, Xiao Lucina, Xiao Morgan, and Mist (Xiao Morgan-chan. They're twins) were cloud watching.

"You can't defeat me Sara!" Lauren shouted, "I have the lesbian poweeeeerrrrr!"  
"You can't defeat feet!" Sara yelled, and tried to kick Lauren.  
Lauren easily dodged.

They kept fighting, until finally, Lauren got the upper hand.  
"The geography that I stands compares you superior," she taunted Sara.  
Just then, an energy beam appeared, heading right toward Ona'a, who was there, I just forgot to mention her. Shulk jumped up.  
"Monado Shield!" he called, casting it on Ona'a.  
The beam crashed harmlessly against the shield.  
"Oh, for fuck's sake," said a voice, "Nobody told me there was gonna be LITERAL children here."  
"There's always been literal children," I pointed out, "Ness."  
"Momo, I am BEGGING you," the voice said, "PLEASE stop."  
While everyone was distracted, Sara tried to stab Lauren, but her sword bounced off a force field.  
"What?" she said.  
"Sara," the voice sighed, "It's time to stop."  
Sara turned and saw that the voice belong to... Melanie!  
"Oh my God," Melanie groaned, rolling her eyes.


	25. Chapter 24: Well, I Messed Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got another two weeks off school. Thanks, Coronavirus. That was sarcasm by the way.

Chapter 24  
Well, I Messed Up

I'm not the one who messed up this time! Unlike when I decided that what this fic really needs is Sunny Emmerich, and then promptly forgot about her.  
"Momo," Melanie groaned.

Anyway!  
The field was a big-ass crater. Lauren, Kairi/Katy, Ashley, and Olivia (not Shulk and Fiora's daughter. The other one) were standing. On the edge. Of the crater. Melanie gave me a dirty look.  
"Mom said it's my turn on the fanfic," I told her.  
"What does that- y'know what, never mind," she sighed, "Wait, what happened?"  
"You've been gone for three days," said Haley, who I'd completely forgotten about.  
"Long enough for the moon to fall," I added.  
Melanie groaned.  
"Where's Sara?" she asked.  
"She ran off with the 'Christian' Smashers," Ashley explained.  
"Smash BROS.!" I yelled.  
"Yeah, she gets really worked up over that," Melanie said, "What about the Liberals?"  
"Um, I think they went back to the mansion," Lauren said.  
"Okay." Melanie grinned.  
She snapped her fingers and all the Liberals appeared.  
"Recanonization... Beam!" she yelled, and blasted them all with a huge energy beam.  
"Hey, Samus," Melanie said, "Remember when you went to the stupidly named Bottleship, took orders from some guy with no authority over you, freaked out over Ridley, and generally acted in a really anti-feminist manner?"  
"Um, no," Samus said, "Why- why would I? None of that sounds anything like me."  
"Recanonization?" I muttered, "More like Retcon."  
"You say something?" Melanie asked.  
"Nope," I said cheerfully, "Hey what about when you were a really cool, badass mom?"  
"Uh, yeah," Samus said, "Why are you asking me these weird questions?"  
"No reason," I said.  
Melanie gave me a dirty look.  
"Okay, that's literally the only good part of Other M, 'far as I'm concerned," I said, "Samus bein' a cool mom."  
"Momo, that's... not Other M," Melanie sighed.  
"Oh," I said.

Meanwhile, where Sara and her amazing friends were...  
"Hold on," I said, "Have you PLAYED Other M?"  
"Shut it," Melanie sighed.  
Anyway, Sara and her amazing friends were wandering around In The Forrest. Grab your shot gun. Shoot them... something. Pull the trigger, something's hidin', somethin' somethin', where the Hell are we?  
"Oh my God!" Melanie yelled.  
"What was that?" Sara asked.  
"Nobody!" I yelled, "Fuck off!"  
"Okay," Sara said, and continued walking.  
"No, don't-"  
Melanie groaned. "Time... Freeze!"


	26. Chapter 25: Melanie Versus Sara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this.

Chapter 25  
Melanie Versus Sara

"Recanonization... Beam!" Melanie yelled, and fired her Retcon Beam on the "Christians".  
"Boy howdy, am I bisexual," Snake said boredly.  
"Dave, please stop," Hal said.  
Sara ran off.  
"Oh, for-" Melanie groaned.  
She teleported to Sara's new location.  
"Yo," she said casually.  
She absorbed all the energy from the area.  
"A Tetelelethia!" I gasped.  
"A... Tetelelethia?" Melanie asked, confused, "You mean... a Telethia?"  
"Nope," I said cheerfully.  
Melanie knocked Sara down and then picked her up by the sides of her head.  
"Played college badminton, y'know," Melanie said.  
I giggled.  
"At some liberal indoctrinating Ivy League school!" Sara said.  
Melanie headbutted her and then punched her several times.  
"Try University of Oregon. Could'a gone pro if... that was a thing," Melanie said, lifting Sara by the throat, "I'm not one a' those retail pansies! I could break my STL in two with my bare hands."  
She threw Sara into the air and pulled out a badminton racket.  
"Don't FUCK with this ETL!" she said, hitting Sara the racket.  
Sara was sent flying, and people were cheering... I think. As she stumbled to her feet, Melanie fixed her glasses.  
"Free will is a myth," I said, "Religion is a joke. We're all pawns controlled by something greater. Memes! The DNA of the soul!"  
Melanie glared at me.

Anyway, skipping ahead...  
"Why won't you die!?" Sara yelled.  
"Nanomachines, SON!" Melanie yelled with a shit-eating grin.  
"But... I'm a girl," Sara said.  
Melanie stared at her.  
"You mean... you didn't get the meme?" Melanie pouted, "But you... you were saying all Raiden's lines..."  
"What meme? Who's Raiden?" Sara asked, confused.  
"Sara, memes are the DNA of the SOUL," I said seriously.  
"Shut up," Melanie said, "Anyway, Sara, when this is all over, I'm sending you a copy of Metal Gear Rising Revengence."  
"No, bad idea," I said quickly, "Do you KNOW how gay Metal Gear is?"  
"Not... really," Melanie confessed.  
"Snake and Otacon literally have a CHILD together," I pointed out, "There's the 'Date With Kaz' mission in Peace Walker... Ocelot's in love with Big Boss... plus, there's MULTIPLE canonically LGBT characters."  
"Okay, whatever," Melanie groaned.  
"So, wait," Sara said, "You did all this... just so you could quote a video game? You Liberals are so stupid."  
"Well, at least we know you aren't supposed to agree with Armstrong!" I said furiously.  
"Moving on," Melanie said.  
"We're not gonna make America great again!" I yelled, "Eat the rich!"  
"Okay," Melanie sighed.  
Suddenly, a Japanese man appeared.  
"Is that your dad?" Sara asked.  
"Oh my God," Melanie groaned.  
"You two need to stop," the man said, "And I Masahiro Sakurai, will stop you."  
"And, Time... FREEZE!" Melanie yelled.  
"The Sara I know," I said, "Is a hero!"  
"No," Melanie said.  
"This is a no-smoking flight," I said cheerfully.  
"For fuck's sake," Melanie groaned.  
"Can ya'll tell which Metal Gear characters I like?" I giggled


	27. Chapter 26: Sakurai OP Pls Nerf

Chapter 26  
Sakurai OP Pls Nerf

"Mr. Sakurai, I SERIOUSLY admire you, so I'm gonna warn you," Melanie said, "You are NOT gonna be able to beat me."  
"Sakurai... PAWNCH!" Sakurai yelled, punching Melanie.  
"Ow! Shit!" Melanie yelled, "How'd you do that!?"  
"I have all the powers of the Smash characters!"  
"Does that include Snake?" I asked curiously.  
"Nooo, because Snake doesn't HAVE any powers. But I DO have his moveset," Sakurai explained, "Do you know the first rule of game design? The player can't do anything the developer can't."  
"So does that mean that Kojima can lift up an entire tank by himself, or survive a helicopter explosion or falling down a waterfall, or train sled dogs?" I asked.  
"That man," Sakurai sighed, "I don't think he's human. In a good way."  
I giggled, "My thoughts exactly."  
"Can you two stop!" yelled Melanie, who was being ineffectively hit over the head by Sara.  
"Stop being a lesbian!" Sara yelled.  
"Oh my God," Melaine muttered. Then she yelled, "Oh praise Jesus, I've been cured! Now can we fight Sakurai?"  
"Okay," Sara said cheerfully.  
She ran right at Sakurai, who beat her easily.  
"Jesus," Melanie muttered.  
She ran at Sakurai and promptly got inhaled and copied.  
"Well, time for-" she started.  
"Time... FREEZE!" Sakurai yelled.  
"I wish Kojima was here," I said, "He IS God, after all."


	28. Chapter 27: Sakurai Was Here, Melanie is a Loser, AKA I Should've Worn Stillettos When I Entered My Story, Would've Been Great Revenge for All the Stupid Tripping Deaths I Had in Brawl

Chapter 27  
Sakurai Was Here, Melanie is a Loser, AKA I Should've Worn Stillettos When I Entered My Story, Would've Been Great Revenge for All the Stupid Tripping Deaths I Had in Brawl

Sakurai snapped his fingers.  
"What did that do?" Melanie asked.  
"I erased Dragon Ball and Shrek from existence," Sakurai said casually.  
"What!" Melanie yelled, "You can't do that, that's illegal!"  
"You know, this hasn't been much of a parody these last few chapters," I noted, "Sorry folks."  
Melanie and Sakurai were still arguing over Dragon Ball and Shrek. I groaned and snapped my fingers.  
"What'd THAT do?" Melanie asked.  
"I brought back Dragon Ball and Shrek," I sighed.  
"...Why?" Sakurai asked.  
"'Cause a' the memes," I said seriously, "They're the DNA of the SOUL."  
"Oh my GOD," Melanie groaned, "Enough with the memes."  
"But the memes... the memes wish to... CONSUME ME!" I said, "I'm a slave to 'em."  
"That doesn't even make sense," Melanie groaned.  
"It makes perfect sense," I argued.  
"Can you two stop," Sakurai groaned.  
"Nah, fam," I said.  
"Momo," Melanie groaned.  
"Okay, fine," I pouted, "What were we talking about, anyway?"  
"Nothing," Melanie said, "Me and Sakurai're gonna fight again, so instead of focusing on it, we'e goin' to Sara!"

Sara rejoined her "friends". Snake was wearing a bi pride t-shirt 'cause he don't give a shit.  
"What's that?" Sara asked him.  
"I ain't straight," he said.  
Sara screamed and threw a shoe at him.  
"Calm down," he groaned, "I'm in a happy committed relationship. Dumbass."  
Hal smiled and hugged him.  
"With Ocelot," he added.  
Hal poked his cheek.  
"I'm kidding," he said quickly, "Though he DID kiss me once."  
"I know, dumdum," Hal said cheerfully, "I still love you."  
"And I still love you after the whole Naomi thing," Snake grinned.  
"Daaaaave!" Hal complained, "You said you wouldn't bring that up! Nothing even happened!"  
"I know," Snake smiled, "You're so weird."  
"She tried to kill you, Dave," Hal said softly, touching Snake's cheek.  
Snake kissed his wrist.  
"Plus, she was really... um, forceful, I guess," Hal added.  
"I did not know that," Snake said, "I'm sorry for teasing you about it."  
"Not like... that," Hal said, "She did listen when I said no... a few times."  
"Still, that's not okay," Snake said.  
"Oh my God!" Melanie yelled from wherever she was, "Time... FREEZE!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I hate Naomi.


	29. Chapter 28: The Moral of the Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kneeled on my pencil case and now my knee hurts

Chapter 28  
The Moral of the Story

Back to Melanie and Sakurai... the girls are fightingggg!  
"Momo," Melanie groaned.  
"The resulting collection of memes is what you would call my intelligence," I explained.  
"Can you PLEASE stop quoting Bladewolf?" Melanie asked.  
"I'm sorry, but Bladewolf talkin' 'bout memes is a whole ass mood," I said.  
"You've never even PLAYED that game," Melanie pointed out.  
"I'm plannin' on it," I said defensively, "Soon's I finish the rest a' the series."

Anyway, skipping ahead...  
Melanie and Sakurai realized they'd reached an impasse.  
"Well, let's go find Sara, I guess," Melanie said.  
"Whatever," Sakurai groaned.  
So they teleported to Sara's location.  
"Sara, it's time to stop lying to yourself!" Melanie yelled, "Stop pretending to be something you're not!"  
"I'm not pretending!" Sara insisted, "I don't know what you're talking about!"  
"Yes, you do," Melanie said, "You know you're lying and you know what you're talking about."  
"No-" Sara started.  
"This is stupid," Sakurai announced, attacking Sara.  
"NO!" Haley yelled, "Saraaaa!"  
She grabbed the Monado from Shulk.  
"Hey!" Shulk protested, "Don't- that's a TERRIBLE idea!"  
Haley screamed, getting electrocuted by the Monado.  
"Sara!" she screamed, "I love you!"  
"But you- you said you weren't a lesbian!" Sara yelled.  
"I'm not!" Haley panted, "I'm bi!"   
"What?" Sara asked.  
Snake gestured to his shirt.  
"That... doesn't explain anything," Hal sighed.  
"Sa...ra..." Haley said, and immediately passed out.  
"No! Haley!" Sara screamed.  
She ran over to Haley and collapsed at her side.  
"Haley," she sobbed, "Haley, oh God. Oh my God. Haley. Haley, please, you can't die. Please don't die. I... I love you Haley."  
Haley opened her eyes.  
"R... really?" she asked.  
"Yeah," Sara said, "Everyone was right about me. I'm... I'm a lesbian."  
Hal started crying, and Snake pulled him into a hug.  
"Do you... want to be my girlfriend?" Sara asked Haley shyly.  
"Of course," Haley said.  
They kissed.  
"That's so cute," Hal sobbed.  
Snake smiled at him.  
"Guess that's my cue," Melanie shrugged.  
"Wait," Sakurai said.  
"Yeah?" Melanie asked.  
"Try something like this again, and the Smash 6 roster'll be nothing but Kid Icarus and Fire Emblem," he said, and teleported away.  
"Okay," Melanie said, and also teleported away.


	30. Chapter 29: Tha Finale Batol Butt Theres Not Reely a Battol

Chapter 29  
Tha Finale Batol Butt Theres Not Reely a Battol

Sara was prepared to fight Lauren.  
"Wait, Lauren," she said, throwing her sword on the ground, "I don't wanna fight you. Not anymore."  
"Why not?" asked Lauren, who couldn't remember the last few chapters.  
"Because Imma lesban!" Sara yelled.  
"You're... finally admitting it?" Lauren asked, shocked.  
"Yeah," Sara said, "You were right. All that stuff we did... that was lesbian stuff. And nobody raped me, so I guess that's not how you become a lesbian."  
"Tell that to Orson Scott Card!" Snake yelled furiously.  
"Me n' Dave are gonna fight all the pedophiles, rapists, and pedophile-rapists," I added.  
"Yeah," he said, nodding.  
"Anyway," Lauren said, glaring at me, "What does this mean?"  
"It means I'm sorry," Sara sighed, "For everything. I hope you and Katy are happy together. Congrats on your engagement."  
"Actually... we got married when you were in detention," Lauren said.  
Sara smiled.  
"Still," she said, "Congrats."  
"Thank you," Lauren said, smiling.  
"Um, maybe we could... y'know... hang out sometime," Sara said.  
"I'll think about it," Lauren said.  
"Thank you," Sara said.  
Then she went over to Haley.  
"Hey," she said.  
"Hey," Haley said.  
"Let's go home," Sara said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end. Hope you enjoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> Focuses on Shulk and Fiora this chapter, the rest of the fic focused on Otasune. I really wanted Shulk and Ona'a to become really close, like siblings, but then I totally forgot. Also, the reason this is Ultimate instead of Smash 4 is 'cause ya' girl started playin' Metal Gear.
> 
> Also, if you havn't played Metal Gear, Hal is Otacon. He joined Shulk and Lucina's friend group because of their mutual love of cats. And Shulk and Hal are both demisexual, autistic nerd scientists.


End file.
